The Art of Asking for Help
Have you ever tried to manage something that you knew was going to be too much, but it felt easier to handle on your own than to ask for help? Or maybe you didn’t realize the weight of what you were trying to manage until you were already suffocating. Then you fed yourself false thoughts about how you needed to suck it up and do it on your own, or how maybe you would be seen as weak and a burden to others if you sent out an S.O.S. So, instead of reaching out, you try to push through and carry the load alone only to find yourself breaking and finally collapsing. This was me at work last week. I piled task on top of task on top of task until I could feel the load begin to break my spirit. Luckily, I was able to acknowledge my struggle, and practice asking for help before I was completely crushed. If you’re like me, asking for help definitely doesn’t come naturally. It’s a very tough skill to master, but also a very necessary one. Once you understand what makes it hard to ask and then practice the art of asking for help, there’s no doubt you will reap the benefits of this crucial life skill.
Why is Reaching Out Difficult?
You would think that asking for help would be a notion that we are born with. As infants, we rely heavily on others to meet our needs. Then, throughout childhood and adolescence, we are continuously taught how to be self-aware and meet our needs independently. Don’t get me wrong – it's imperative that we understand how to be independent and take care of ourselves and our needs; however, certain cultures – especially American society – have placed a blinding spotlight on praising independence. This has led us to believe that we SHOULD be able to do things on our own, whether we actually can or not. This toxic belief creates false thoughts in our mind when we start to think that maybe we are taking on more than we can handle.
Here are a few false thoughts that keep us from reaching out:
I am strong enough to handle this even though it feels overwhelming. I am not saying you are not strong. I am saying that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Reaching out actually shows that you have the courage and strength to recognize and acknowledge you can’t do everything on your own.
Asking for help will make me seem incompetent. This is one I struggle with personally – I don’t like to give the impression that I don’t know what I’m doing. (If this is you too, I’ll let you in on a secret that I’ve learned over the years – no one really knows what they’re doing. We are all just trying and doing the best we can!) Just because you ask for help doesn’t mean you’re incompetent. It simply means that you have a goal to accomplish, and you think it would be more beneficial to have assistance in reaching that goal. Asking for help doesn’t make you less than.
I am no longer in control of the situation if I ask for help. Some may think asking for help means they have lost all control. On the contrary, you may be in more control by asking for help. If you try to handle something heavier than you can take on, the weight will end up taking control over the situation. You will lose and, therefore, have no control. Ask for help, but be clear in your request and how the other person help you keep control.
Everyone is busy with their own stuff – I don’t want to bother them. Ooooooh! This is another tough one for me. I am a people pleaser in and out. I don’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone even if I’m drowning myself. To that I say, GET OVER IT. No one is going to be mad or upset with you because you ask for help. If they want to help, they will, and if they don’t then keep asking until you find someone who does.
No one will want to help me. A lot of times we don’t ask for help because we are afraid of rejection. Vulnerability is uncomfortable, and humans tend to avoid the uncomfortable. My friend, you can’t heal what you don’t reveal. You won’t know if someone will help or not unless you ask.
Give People More Credit
As mentioned, we tend to not want to ask for help because of our thoughts about other people. We think that we will be a burden or that no one would possibly want to help. I know that when someone asks me for help, I am quick to jump in – no problem. If I am always willing to help, why do I automatically assume others won’t? We need to give people more credit! There is actually research that shows we underestimate other’s willingness to help. This in turn makes it more difficult for us to ask. Most people are excited and willing to lend a hand. This is what we call the “helper’s high.” When people selflessly help others, there is a flood of positive energy through the brain and body that mirror that of physical exercise. For the most part, people want to help! We just need to make sure we know who to ask, when to ask, and how to ask.
Navigating When, Who, and How
Understanding why asking for help is such an uncomfortable task is the easy part! Knowing when to ask, who to ask, and how to ask (and then applying it) will take more practice. You may be wondering – is there really a wrong time, wrong person, or wrong way to ask? In short, maybe. Let’s dive.
When?
When fronted with a task or goal, most of the time you can gauge if you will be able to handle it on your own. If you immediately think it will be too heavy, then start planning to ask for help. Like I mentioned previously, sometimes we can’t gauge it, and we don’t realize we need help until we’re already being crushed. Try not to get to this point of desperation. If you get any inkling that you may start to slip – uninvite your false thoughts and plan to ask for help.
Who?
I know I said we need to give people more credit, and that most are willing to help. This is true, but different people can help you in different ways.
Think about what exactly it is that you need help with. Make a list of people that would be most effective for your situation at the time. For example, if I need help with making lesson plans, I should ask someone who understands how to help me do that. I wouldn’t ask a non-teacher friend or my husband because it may cause more stress even though they are trying to help.
Consider who has helped you before. You don’t want to assume others won’t help just because they haven’t in the past, but if someone has shown up for you in other times of need, they are more likely to do it again.
If you know others are struggling, you may not want to add the pressure to their plate of asking for their help; however, if you’re struggling with the same situation, it may be more effective to work together and help each other.
How?
There are a couple of things to keep in mind about how you ask someone for help. While these are suggestions, they are not the end all be all. Obviously, if you are severely struggling and need help asap – please just ask!
First and foremost – NEVER apologize for asking for help. If you say things like “I’m so sorry for asking,” or “I hate to ask for your help but,” this automatically puts your request in a negative light. You don’t need to apologize for needing help – there is nothing wrong with it unless you make it seem like there is (by saying sorry). Also, telling someone you hate asking for their help makes it seem like their service is unvalued and unwanted (even though you and I both know you just say that because you don’t want to be a bother).
Be open and honest when asking for help. This is where that uncomfortable vulnerability seeps through. If you can just accept the vulnerability and use it to your advantage, you’ll notice it’s not so bad. Instead of just saying “I need your help,” try “I am working on keeping the house clean. I notice I am struggling, and I could really use your help.”
Being clear and specific about your request and how the person can help you will give them a better idea if they will be able to help. It may be difficult for them to respond if they are unsure what exactly they are helping with. For example, instead of “I am overwhelmed right now and need your help,” try “I am overwhelmed with meeting deadlines right now. I am struggling and could really use your help with an extension. Is this possible?”
You want to remain respectful and understanding while asking for help. If your request is aggressive and demanding, it is likely the person will not be willing to lend a hand. You can do this by giving the other person an option and time to respond, so they don’t feel pressured or obligated. You can add phrases to your request like “I understand if you cannot help at the moment,” or “think about it and let me know.”
Also keep in mind that waiting too long and becoming desperate can affect the way you ask.
Benefits of Asking for Help
Asking for help creates long-lasting positive effects for not only the asker, but for the helper as well. Some benefits of asking for help include:
Manages stress and lightens the heavy load of the one in need of help
Builds confidence in the asker through vulnerability and courage
More likely for the asker to avoid burnout
Releases positive energy to the helper and makes them feel needed
Builds a stronger connection between the asker and the helper
Causes a “pay it forward” effect
Let’s recap!
Asking for help is a hard skill to learn, but necessary in life. It causes uncomfortable emotions because we don’t want to look weak or burden others with our problems. We don’t think people want to help us, but they are actually more willing than we give them credit for. When asking for help, it’s best to not wait to the point of desperation and try to find people that can be effective helpers in your current situation. Remember to be honest, clear, and respectful when asking others for help and never apologize for needing help. Once you begin to practice the art of asking for help, all parties involved will reap the long-lasting benefits! Now, get out there and go ask for help!
